I was just looking at a picture of a friend who was wearing a unique outfit she put together herself. I was thinking how I would never have thought of that and even if I had, I would not have thought it was a good idea. But when I look at it on her it works. I don’t have the type of vision she has when it comes to fashion. Unless I actually see it on someone, sometimes it’s hard for me to picture whether or not it would look good. She, on the other hand, is constantly picturing how different looks will come out. I just think it’s interesting how people can be so like-minded yet come at things from such a different direction. She and I are both creative and both went to business school so we have somewhat of a mind for business. Very often though, when I come up with an idea, whether it is creative or business-like, she tells me she never thought of it that way. Many times I think the same thing about her ideas. Neither one of us are wrong and neither is more right than the other; our thought processes just work differently. I just think that’s kinda cool. I like running things by her to see what she’d say about them in case she’s thinking of something that makes more sense. And I’d like to think some times she does the same.
Just thoughts on my mind I felt like rambling about.
Sometimes I ramble on and on and on. It’s more of a way of blowing off steam I suppose. It’s not necessarily anything of content or significance. Maybe some complaining in there but I’m talking so much I barely know what I’m saying before I move on to the next subject. During these times I have yet to figure out the best way to handle it. I usually just pick a friend to call and ramble on til the phone stops working or they have something better to attend to. I think sometimes I talk fast and keep talking so they don’t get a chance to tell me they need to go. Lol…how manipulative I know, but I don’t think I conscientiously do it on purpose. I’m just not ready to stop talking yet. I’m trying to transfer that steam blowing into writing instead of bugging my friends all the time but it doesn’t always do it for me. And sure I can talk with a therapist. The good thing about therapists is that I don’t feel bad for burdening them with my negativity like I do with my friends. The bad thing is, after 50 minutes they are trying to wrap you up and kick you out so they can get to the next patient and usually I still have plenty more to say. And unless I can afford to have a session with them several times a week every week, it’s just not enough time. My friends claim they don’t mind my rambling and they are being good friends by listening to me…although truthfully if I gave them a pop quiz on the conversation some of them would fail. I’m typically aware that they’re not quite paying attention to me. It especially becomes obvious if they ask a question that I’ve just answered in my ramblings. But I keep talking anyways because really and truly, I’m not so sure I can stop. But again, it’s not their burden to bare so I get over the fact that they’re preoccupied with something else.
I don’t necessarily make it all about me. There are some people that actually engage in the conversation with me and we discuss different topics, with me listening to them just like they listen to me. I prefer those conversations because then I don’t feel so bad. And I really can be a good listener without inputting my own problems into the mix…as long as I don’t open my mouth and start talking.
I’m getting ready to leave my job so I’m hoping that will relieve some of the negativity. That’s generally where most of it comes from. It’s to the point where just hearing the voice of certain people (mgt) at work aggravates me. They could be completely nice and cordial but I’m already in a bad mood just from their presence. That’s definitely not healthy, especially if I go the whole day feeling like that. And it’s difficult to work analytically when you’re overcome with negative emotion. I realize I could have this same problem at another job, but I will never know unless I try right? Honestly, I want to take some time off completely and just allow myself to calm down, de-stress, debrief and release a lot of this negativity. Maybe eventually I could be creative again and not be so much in my head. Obviously, that is not an affordable venture but I definitely think about it often. I seem to calm a little bit over the weekend but the second I walk in that door the emotion and anxiety and anger come rushing right back. I can barely hold myself back from snapping at people anymore. I’ve tried thinking positively and changing my thought process or trying to resolve the things that are effecting me in a bad way. It doesn’t work. I may get five minutes of feeling like I accomplished something but come back from lunch and I’m right back to feeling 140% negative. It also doesn’t help that when I try my best not to complain and to just deal with whatever is happening and let it role off my sleeve, my co-workers are still complaining just as much as I was and of course negativity spreads so eventually it’s difficult to ignore them and not join in on the complaining. Especially nowadays since my emotions are so strong I’m no longer thinking clearly. I quit my job without having another one. That’s definitely not a smart idea and I am aware of that but I’m not so sure I care…and I gotta do something. I gotta make a move and waiting until I find a job while trying to sneak away to interview and make up lies and excuses, I’d rather just be done with the place. It’s wearing me down and I’m feeling it physically in my body…especially my chest. I have for a while and at this point if I don’t find a way to relieve that pressure, I’m not sure if I will be able to work any where. I’ve had my share of emotional breakdowns lately but I still have so much emotion pent up inside. Ugh,
I keep wondering when I will come back to me. I miss myself. I use to be the stable one, the dependable one, the intelligent one, the responsible one. Now I do so many things unlike me and I don’t even know why. I can’t tell if I just don’t care or what. The world just seems to be spinning so fast and I can’t seem to grab hold of anything. I wonder how people deal with this sort of thing. I can barely keep myself present in a conversation or even in my own thoughts. Remembering to check the mail more than once every three weeks is a challenge. I just haven’t quite figured out how to be a person again. I hang out with friends and pretend to enjoy myself and be excited about things they are excited about. This is in effort to feel like a real person again but it gets exhausting. Trying to put on an act in front of everyone all the time takes a lot out of me, which is why I tend to spend so much time alone. I don’t know what to do about this problem.